Introducing Staci from Luker Family Tales

 

Meet Staci. She is a strong woman, loving wife, mommy to an adorable little girl and a sweet Angel Baby, AND is expecting a bundle of joy later this year! I am so happy to bring her blog, Luker Family Tales, and her amazing INSPIRING story to light. 

Tears rolled down my face when I read her words.... I know myself and many others have Angel Babies..... And her writings show the pain, coming to terms, and accepting what God has thrown our way... 

 

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Hello! I'm Staci and I blog over at Luker Family Tales. Mainly, I blog about life in general and things learned along the way--for me that is mostly my faith, my husband, my children, and our baby on the way.

 

My daughter Audrey is someone I blog about often as I have learned so much from her in four years. Just the other day, we were coming in the house and she stopped me yelling "Mommy! Mommy!" so excited. I turned around and she was pointing at some tiny, yellow buttercups by the sidewalk that I never even noticed. She said, "Mommy, aren't they the most beautiful thing you've ever seen?". So often she reminds me to stop and notice things--and to appreciate them. 

 

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My son Barrett is a major focus on my blog--in fact he is probably the main thing I write about. He has taught me a lot too--or rather, God has taught me a lot through him. My son was born on August 23, 2012, at 6:05 a.m. He weighed 4.6 oz. It was a somber occasion--just my husband and I in a room speaking no words and trying to choke back tears to be strong for the other. At a routine anatomy scan on August 22, we learned that our son's heart had just stopped beating with no explanation. I chose to schedule my induction for that night, and he was born the next morning. He was the most beautiful little boy I had ever seen and I didn't want to give him back. I remember praying to God to please let me hold him forever--I knew that when I gave him back to the nurses I wouldn't see him again until we meet one day in heaven. As a mother, giving my boy back to them was the hardest thing I've ever done--deciding that I had held him long enough was a hard decision. I finally realized it would never be long enough, and I just had to do it. I cherish the pictures of us with him that day. We run a charity, Barrett's Blankets, in his memory to assist others in the grieving process (or just hard stays in the NICU) and as a way that God has allowed us to minister to others through his precious life. Barrett's life has impacted so many. One major thing I've learned through my son: God can use anyone. He has changed countless lives through my little boy who never even took a breath outside of my womb. I remind myself of that when I get to thinking that God can't use me.

 

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In the months since Barrett's death, I've often blogged about Audrey's intense love for her brother. She was just three when he died, but her comprehension blew me away. She still talks about him and asks questions. She has shed tears over him and that was hard as a mother. But I learned through her to love hard. She had a great love for a baby she never met or saw--surely I can love others around me just the same.

The loss of our son brought my husband and I so much closer. I have never loved him as much as I have on the days that our two children were born. Both days I saw my husband cry--happy tears for our daughter, and broken tears over our son--but each time I could see in his eyes the depth of his love for our children. Mommas, you know what I'm talking about. I've always heard that men don't get attached to a baby until it's born, but those people didn't see the love in my husband's eyes for the little boy I was carrying in my womb last summer.

In January we found out we were expecting again. The Lord had blessed us with another sweet baby due in September. This pregnancy has been a roller coaster of emotions. Baby has been 100% fine at every appointment, but Mom and Dad have been a wreck. Part of you doesn't want to get attached, but that's impossible. I was attached from the moment I saw two pink lines. I hold my breath at every appointment until I see the flicker of the baby's heartbeat. The ultrasound room carries an intense amount of anxiety for me, but God is carrying me through it. My husband and I purchased a Doppler with this pregnancy so we can hear baby's heartbeat every morning and that past week that we've been using it, I've been a different person. It has put my mind at ease.

 

I can distinctly remember the day that we found out Barrett died. I went to my appointment alone. It was just a routine appointment (I will NOT go to any alone now). I remember sitting outside the ultrasound room rubbing my belly and being so anxious to see him again. I remember when he popped up on the screen that I instantly felt like something was wrong because he was so still. I remember knowing something was wrong when the ultrasound tech didn't say a word. And I remember laying there begging God to take me instead when she went to get the doctor.

I had someone ask me after he was born "How do you trust in a God who allowed your son to die?" and responding with this:

In response to your question, I have one for you. How could I not trust Him? Before I got that terrible news, He was right beside me in my joy. When I lay there crying on the ultrasound table, He was still there. I could feel Him all around me. How was I able to compose myself to make decisions? How was I able to hold my head high as I walked to my car? How was I able to drive an hour to my house to pack my bags without completely losing it? On my own, I wouldn't have made it out of the room. But that same God who walked beside me in my joy, carried me in my sorrow. My world was rocked, but my Jesus was the same. 

 

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My world was rocked last August. But God has been with us all the way--carrying, leading, guiding. I now look forward to seeing how He will continue to use all of my children and love blogging about it on the way.